Scotty's In A Bad Spot

My friend and I hold a mock White House Press Corp briefing (based on this spam comment I got). If only the real Scott McClellan were this honest.

Q: Where does Bush stand on metro-gel?

McClellan: Oh, sternly against it. President Bush feels that while women should have full freedom to control their body, it contradicts with his faith. And so he cannot support the measure. Next question? Helen?

Q: Helen Thomas is a terrorist.

Thomas: Yes, you piece of shit. So, what's with Bushie's war in Iraq? I fucking don't support it for anything, you worthless piece of trash.

McClellan: I'll see to it that the Secret Service take you out behind the woodshed and do to you what Reagan never had the balls to do, beat you down like the old horse you are. Now go die. Next question. Judith Miller, New York Times. Yes, Ms. Miller...we all know you.

Q: When is Karl going to return my calls? I need him for my book.

McClellan: Ummm.

Q: Scott- Today Condoleeza Rice on Meet The Press said that the war in Iraq was about ignoring Al Queada and taking a 'bolder approach' to rebuilding the Mideast, thereby blowing apart the original reasons given for the war. How does the White House justify this statement by the Secretary of State?

McClellan: Well, the war really is about freedom, isn't it? It never was about finding weapons, it was about freedom for the people of Iraq from Saddam Hussein. Did you really want him in power making it possible for all sorts of terrorist activity to occur in Iraq? If you disagree, I think you should rethink your stance on terrorism. Maybe you're like Helen over there and need to learn patriotism by the rod.

Q: Scott, Saddam actually hated terrorists out of fear of losing his power. Didn't we actually create the current terrorist threat in Iraq through our poorly planned invasion?

McClellan: George Washington once said to avoid foreign entanglements, but if he knew where we were today he would say to protect liberty at all costs. Next question.

Q: Scott, quick question about Harriet Miers. Has she ever been with a man? Because she seems really dry and crusty.

McClellan: If you want to be like Helen on the wheel of patriotism in the corner, go ahead and ask something about Plamegate. I think she can answer that for herself at the hearings, which I'm sure will be fair and impartial in accordance with President Bush's request.Now if you will all excuse me, I have a seminar in spinning news with Baghdad Bob at 8. I can't miss a minute of it. Today he's going to instruct us on what to do when the enemy is at the gates and we're inevitably going to lose, which is quite possible in the near future.

Q: Thank you, Scott. Question about Plamegate- In what specifically did the Vice President's office threaten the NY Times, resulting in their depressingly shitty article today in which they insist that a ghost wrote Valerie Plames name in Judy Millers notes?

McClellan: We were instructed by the special prosectutor not to answer any question related to Plamegate, Iraq, Iran, Hurricane Katrina, Iraq, North Korea, the impending oil crisis, chicken sicknesses, and a resurrgence of polio. Now I can't violate his request. I believe you should look to a higher power for your questions.

And by that higher power, I mean Dick Cheney.

Q: Hmmm, well that affects my question list here. Okay, ummm, question about Intelligent Design. Who was subbing for the Designer the week that the President was created?

McClellan: I'll answer that question with a question. Do you believe in God?

Q: Its not my job to answer the questions, Scott. Its your's.

McClellan: I believe the answer has everything to do with your question.

Q: I withdraw my question. New question- Has the stress of the Plame investigation affected Karl Rove's relationship with his boyfriend?

McClellan: Mr. Rove is a vital part of this administration and we're happy to have him with us. His personal life is his own business, but I'll tell you this...his neck is covered in hickeys today and my dick is a little sore too. Helen Thomas, get yo bitch ass down here. Let's boogey.

Q: Thank you Scott, thats frightening informative.