Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!

[Originally published 9/28 in my old LiveJournal blog]

Last month, I wrote about this book:

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

You can read about this book at the official site. Rush Limbaugh loves it!

Well I purchased the book tonight at Barnes and Noble. Now that's an interesting story in itself. Now I know most people's reaction when hearing of this book was "This is a fucking joke, right? No parent would actually give this piece of propaganda to their children, would they?". Heck, even ol' conservative Andrew Sullivan was disturbed. But the fact is that the author was very serious with this book. She feels that it "is a fun way for parents to teach young children the valuable lessons of conservatism". No doubt the author is very proud of the book she has written. That's the one thing you must understand. The author is 100% serious about this book.... So anyway, I get to the store and ask if they have the book. The guy checks the computer and sees that they do and proceeds to escort me to the book. We head toward the childrens' section and I think "Okay, that makes sense as to where it would be". But then we make a right and walk right past that section. "Huh? I wonder what section it's in then?", I asked myself. The guy points at the nearby Humor section. I walk over and sure enough, there are 5 copies of the book, next to Garfield compilations. No doubt Barnes and Noble looked at the cover and thought "Wow, this shit is pretty funny. What a great parody book". So it's been classified as a 'Humor' book. That made my day. Suck on that lemon, Katharine DeBrecht!

And now my overview of the book: We meet Tommy and Lou who live in "a small city, in the great USA". The town is a friggin' conservative wet dream- flags everywhere and not a negro in sight. Tommy and Lou are good kids who do all their chores, say their prayers, and eat their vitamins. Hulk Hogan would be proud. They even have a large framed photo of Ronald Reagan in their living room, a picture of the Statue of Liberty above their beds, and a cross on the wall. Tommy and Lou really want a new swing set like all the other kids have... but mommy and daddy won't just give them one, because such handouts would make them lazy (oh snap, take that welfare moms!). Tommy and Lou must EARN that swing set if they want to appreciate it. So they decide to open a lemonade stand to make the money. That night, they fell asleep and had a crazy dream.

In their dream, they lived in a crazy place called Liberaland. Liberland features such storefronts as Duey, Taxim, and Howe; Spendbucks Coffee; K-Marx; and a street called Obstruction Alley. In Liberaland, Tommy and Lou are successfully running their lemonade stand. All is well until (GASP!!)- a liberal pops out from behind a tree! He announces himself as Mayor Leach (and looks a lot like Ted Kennedy!) and demands that they pay their taxes (Taxes? How Marxist of him! Paying taxes is as unamerican as voting Democrat!). Leach explains, quite simply, that taxes are "where you give the government half of your money so we can spend it better". Mayor Leach then takes half their money, but the boys keep on working hard. Because they're good boys. They were so grateful to God for the success of their lemonade stand, they hang up a picture of Jesus there. Just then, another liberal appears from behind the tree! He says that he is Mr. Fussman of the LCLU and his limousine liberal friend was offended by the picture, so it must come down (apparently the author is stupid enough to accept this generalization, ignoring that separation of church and state laws don't apply to lemonade stands and therefore no one would give a shit, but far be it for me to burst Ms. DeBrecht's persecution complex bubble). And so Fussman took away their Jesus picture. The kids are sad, but carry on anyway. Then next, a third liberal appeared from behind the tree- Congresswoman Clunkton (who looks just like a certain female Senator from NY!). Ms. Clunkton insists that they have passed a law forcing children to eat broccoli (WTF?) and therefore they must sell it at their stand. She also informs them, before leaving, that Senator Kruckle from Taxachusetts has passed a law restricting the consumption of sugar. Tommy and Lou keep working hard. But they began to notice that all this liberal interference was ruining their business. They didn't mind, goshdarnit, because they were good little conservatives! But disaster soon struck as all the liberals returned to announce the passing of the new Boxster Teddy Algore Juffords Paloosi Byrdie Waxball Deanie Schooner Law (subtle, right readers?), turning over ownership of all lemonade stands to liberals. And the liberals slowly destroyed the lemonade stand over time, because it is in their nature to destroy things.

Luckily, Tommy and Lou woke up from this nightmare (/Ann Coulter's view of reality). Tommy reassured Lou that they weren't actually in Liberaland, and that here in the real world if they work hard they will succeed without interference. FREE ENTERPRISE, BA-BY! "And off they went to start squeezing lemons, like the good little conservatives they were". THE END. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

After the story, the author tells us to be on the lookout for more "Help! Mom!" book in the future! Sweet!!! Can I recommend "Help! Mom! Why Are You Insulting Our Intelligence?" for the next one? Pretty please? In her 'Thanks' section, she secondly thanks all the silly liberals out there for making her conservative and says she is "sure they'll be pleased that around fifty percent of the proceeds of this book will go taxes". 50%? Yea, that doesn't sound exaggerated, Katharine. I can't believe you're paying that much in taxes! Stupid liberal President... Bush? Him and his no-good.... tax cuts? [*shakes fist*]

In conclusion, this book is hilarious. And Katharine DeBrecht is a really awful mother.

The end.